How Helicopter Parents Affect Their Children

As a parent, you want what’s best for your children. You do everything you can to keep them safe, and you want to help them succeed as they learn how to navigate the world. But what if your efforts are too overbearing?

You may have heard the term “helicopter parent” — when a parent “hovers” over their child or young adult, intervening in most areas of their lives rather than letting them make decisions and learn from mistakes on their own. Such parents are overprotective to the point of being intrusive.

“In most cases, the parent’s impulse and actions are coming from signs of love,” says Gene Beresin, MD, MA, a Mass General Brigham child and adolescent psychiatrist. “However, when monitoring and over-involvement becomes more of helicopter behavior, when it’s excessive or extreme, it may have negative consequences.”

Dr. Beresin, who directs the Clay Center for Young Healthy Minds at Massachusetts General Hospital, explains more about helicopter parenting and how micromanaging kids can have negative effects on their development.

What is a helicopter parent?

A helicopter parent excessively monitors and micromanages most areas of their child’s life.

They’re often overprotective of their kids and want to prevent any kind of harm, whether it’s physical or emotional. They may worry about their child facing any hardship or struggle, like being rejected by their classmates, being cut from a sports team, or getting a bad grade in school.

This excessive worrying can lead a parent to smother their child by intervening in many aspects of their life. 

Overprotective and helicopter parenting examples

Some examples of helicopter parenting for children at different ages include:

• In young children, constantly guiding them on what toys to play with, how to play with them, and how to clean up after playtime
• In middle school-age children, getting involved in many of their school assignments and directing how they should complete different projects
• In teenagers and young adults, texting and/or calling them a few times each day to check in on how things are going or to remind them about tasks they need to accomplish 

Characterisitics of helicopter parents

So why do some parents fall into a helicopter parenting style?

Dr. Beresin suggests a few reasons why some parents excessively worry about their children. Overprotective and helicopter parenting may arise from:

• Feelings of love and simply wanting to protect their child from harm
• The parent’s own anxiety
• Deficiencies in the parent’s own upbringing, feeling that they had distant or uninvolved parents or caregivers
• Comparing themselves to other parents or feeling pressure from others to become more involved in their child’s life

Sometimes, parents micromanage their child’s life because they’re concerned about their own image as a parent.

“Helicopter parents may simply want their kids to be the very best for their sake. In some cases, though, it’s motivated by what puts the parent in a strong light,” Dr. Beresin says. “They may care more about their own image than concern for the achievement of the child.”

Helicopter parenting effects on children

Most helicopter parents have good intentions and intervene in their child’s life to help them succeed. But constant monitoring can delay a child’s emotional development and have negative effects on their mental health.

“In short, helicopter parenting typically backfires,” says Dr. Beresin. He explains that helicopter parenting can cause children to have:

• Excessive reliance on others, particularly other adults, rather than learning to be self-sufficient
• Low self-esteem and self-confidence, especially after experiencing a perceived failure
• Poor coping skills in the face of adversity, like a conflict with a peer or adult
• Self-image that is grounded on achievement and/or pleasing parents and caregivers
• Inadequate life skills, including problem-solving, independence, ability to make decisions and be separate from their parents, or standing up for themselves
• Increases in anxiety and depression
• Diminished ability to determine and pursue their own interests, including challenges in developing their own identity with their personal set of aspirations

How to stop being a helicopter parent

If you’re worried you might be overprotective of your kids, there are steps you can take to pull back. This helps your kids become more independent, capable of making their own decisions, and develop better life skills.

Here are some tips to slow down on helicopter parenting and better connect with your child:

• Take care of yourself. Parents are more stressed than ever, too. Managing your own anxiety and stress helps with feelings of excessive worry about your kids. You might consider trying meditation or yoga, getting better sleep, or eating a healthy diet to help reduce stress.
• Evaluate your parenting style and make a plan to change. You may need to ask family, friends, or others in your community to understand your parenting style. Be open to their feedback and think about ways you can change.
• Learn to accept failures. Your kids will fail from time to time throughout their life, whether it’s a poor grade at school or not making the soccer team. Learn to tolerate failure and engage in collaborative problem-solving with your kid if they want or need it. “We all learn the most from our failures, in school, work, sports, hobbies and relationships,” Dr. Beresin adds.
• Apologize to your kids when needed. Listen to your kids if they feel you’re being overbearing, and apologize to them if you’re intruding too much. It may help to explain your good intentions and that you’re just trying to help them. They’ll often be understanding and open to hearing your advice.
• Talk to your kids often and validate their feelings. Have frequent conversations with your kids, ask them what’s bothering them the most, and validate their feelings. Let them know you’re a safe space for them to talk about what’s causing them stress or anxiety.

A rise in perfectionism and anxiety among kids and teenagers

Dr. Beresin notes that rates of depression, anxiety, stress, and loneliness have been increasing in children and teenagers. In fact, the U.S. Surgeon General released a report, Protecting Youth Mental Health, that declared a national state of emergency in children’s mental health. Other research reports that perfectionism in college students has steadily increased over the last few decades.

Helicopter parenting is one cause of this rise in perfectionism and anxiety. But there’s also an increase in “toxic achievement” culture, where young people must navigate exceedingly high expectations. Social media, educational trends, and societal norms contribute to increasing perfectionism, too.

You can help your kids by pulling back on micromanaging their lives and not pushing them to be perfect. Help them develop a sense of self where what’s important is who they are, not their achievements.

“Remind your child that regardless of success or failures, you are loved, respected and valued for yourself, not by what you have achieved,” Dr. Beresin says.